Grief

Grief is a funny thing isn't it? No matter how much you think you've moved on, grief will come back around and swallow you whole. 

I lost a very good friend in 2023. She struggled with her mental health since she was a teenager, she tried to get help, and got let down by the NHS mental health services, on numerous occasions. All she wanted was to get the help she needed, so she could be the best mum to her little boy. Unfortunately her mental health became too great, and she wasn't getting the help, support and medication she needed. She told herself there was only one way out and one way only, and sadly took her own life at 19 years old.

She was my friend and neighbour for just under a year. We would go out together with our children. I would go to hers for dinner and she'd come to mine. We'd go out drinking. We'd take the children swimming. We would go and feed the ducks. 

Even though I was 8 years older than her, I looked up to her, and admired her. She always looked after me. Cooked me dinners. Offered to look after my children so I could rest. She always put others before herself. That is the type of person she is! She was always there for me regardless of what she, herself, was going through.

It's funny but the day before she moved in, I remember speaking to my mum on the phone and telling her "someone is moving into next door. I really hope it's a mum who's down to earth" I was so lonely. Then she moved in and everything was great. I couldn't believe my luck! I wasn't going to be lonely and isolated anymore. I had someone to go out with and speak to! I was soo excited for the future. So excited to become her friend. 

I've never experienced anything like this ever. I've never lost someone like this before. Don't get me wrong I've lost loads of friends along the way, but I know I can always message them if I need or want to. This is different. This is final. She isn't coming back and I'll never see her again.

I have soo many regrets. I wish we had more pictures together because the ones I have just do not cut it! I wish I had of replied to her text message, instead of leaving it, only to be replying to it the next day, when I got that god awful text to say she'd past. 

I wish I had of told her how much I loved her! How much I needed her. How much I loved and appreciated her friendship. I wish I told her how good of a friend she really was and I was lucky to find her.

I wish I was there for her more. I wish I made her realise just how special she was and how much she meant to me.

These things will haunt me until the end of time!

Some weeks are fine. The cracks don't show as much. But other weeks I can be having a conversation, and be filled with this overwhelming sadness because I should be having the conversation with her.

We should be having sleepovers, BBQs, birthday parties. She should be HERE!! 

I am still soo angry over her passing! Sometimes I can't quite believe she did what she did. 

I wish I could see her. Just for a day. For a couple hours. I want to tell her how sorry I am. How much of a good friend she was. How this isn't her fault, she just couldn't carry on. How I understand. How I miss her more than words could ever say! How I still see her children, her partner, her mum, and her sister on a monthly basis. I still message them all, every week, to check in. Seeing them is hard because when we do arrange outings the only person missing is her. Everyone is thinking it, but no one says anything because the pain is still so raw! 

I don't think there's such a thing as moving on from grief. You never move on. The pain never goes. Grief will hold onto your heart for the rest of your life. Maybe it gets easier. Maybe the dark cloud hanging over you becomes smaller. But the pain is still there. Still sooo surreal. Because you realise this person is just a memory to you now, and to everyone else they don't even exist because they've never met them! 

You're just supposed to carry on as normal with your life, when your life has been turned upside down! You're supposed to just pick yourself back up. But I can't. My heart is still in pieces. There's still a hole. I keep searching for other friends to fill it. But when I'm with them, all I'm thinking about is her. There will always be a piece of me that is broken. I will forever feel the pain of losing her.

I am very grateful for the time we did have. Even though it was not nearly enough, I'd rather have this small amount of time together than nothing at all. My life was a lot brighter and better with her in it. I am so glad she got to meet and bond with my children. I will always be thankful I got to be friends with her and that she was in my life. She brought a lot of happiness into my life, when I was struggling with my own demons.

And even though she is gone, she will always be kept alive in my heart. I will never forget the smiles, the laughs, and the good times we shared. I will forever cherish the memories and the love. These things will be eternally engraved onto my heart. I will look back at them fondly, especially when I am struggling or having a bad day, as I know those memories will make my day better, even if she is not here to laugh and smile with me.

I am still so devastated. The pain is as raw as the day she died. I would give my heart and soul to have her here today.

I hope she is looking down on me alwways. I hope she is proud of how far I have come.

I look for her in every rainbow, in every cloud lining, in every white butterfly! I look for her everywhere. 

I don't think I'll ever STOP looking for her...