Motherhood is HARD

Being a mum is not all sunshine and rainbows. It can be really isolating. Your self esteem will be deeply affected. You'll suffer mum guilt EVERY SINGLE DAY. You'll constantly lay awake at night and ask yourself questions like "did I do enough today? Did I play enough? Have my children received enough hugs today? Did they eat too many sugary foods? Why have I been shouting at them? Am I a good mum? Why is this so HARD? Am I loving them correctly? Am I nurturing them enough? Are they better off without me? " And you'll ask yourself sooo many more questions.

"A mother's love is the ultimate sacrifice, for she gives everything she has for her children." - Unknown. This is one of my favourite quotes, because it's true. Everything you are inside and out, you give to your children. You'll feel mentally and emotionally drained. But YOU won't give up on them or on yourself. Regardless if you feel like you cannot carry on, you will. For them you will give your all and all that you can give, because they are worth it. That hug, kiss and the "I love you mummy, you're the best" makes everything else disappear. 

Don't forget you have this little human being relying solely on you for everything. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Of course it's draining and exhausting. You give up your life, your hobbies, your friends, and you give up who you are, because your attention needs to be on this little human. It's so lonely being a mum because you really do become 'one' with your house/flat/home. 

When my daughter was born (she's 4 now) I had a vision of what type of mum I wanted to be; baking cakes and cookies, playing dress up and barbies, make-overs and nail varnish, no television or tablet, no sweets or sugar, healthy home-made dinners, vegetables every day, fun days out, and more.

Am I that mum? Far from it (and trust me the guilt I suffer over this is enough to bring anyone to their knees), I don't bake cakes or cookies, I rarely play barbies, my kids definitely watch television most of the day, I don't go on 'fun days out' and truthfully most of the time I am sat in my house, my kids have sweets and chocolates, they rarely have a home-made cooked meal, most of it is frozen and done in the oven. I think the only thing I've really stuck to is they have vegetables every night with their dinner. 

It is STRESSFUL!

The amount of times I have tried playing barbie dolls with my daughter, and she just sits there shouting at me, all she wants me to do is HOLD the barbie but have absolutely no input. I can't make the barbie go shopping, or have a bath or anything. And I try to explain to my little girl that this is not playing, but then she throws a tantrum, screaming and crying, and I in turn feel like the worst mother EVER! 

My kids watch the t.v. because I find it's the only time I actually get to wash up, hoover, do washing, make lunch, eat myself etc. 

I rarely go outside and if I do it is a STRUGGLE! Either my daughter is moaning about the walk, or moaning because I don't have a lot of money to spend on rides and ice ream etc, my little boy (2) is just whining in the pushchair, and if I get him out, he's running in the road, sitting on the pavement and generally not listening to a word I say. My stress and anxiety levels are soo high by that point I just turn around and go home. Because I'd rather be stressed in the comfort of my own home, rather than having other mums look me up and down like I'm not doing a good enough job. I judge myself enough I don't need anyone else jumping on the bandwagon! And then I just feel like "I've arranged this really lovely day out, spent a bit of money, tried to enjoy myself, but all these kids have done is whine, moan and cry. Why do I even bother?" 

But motherhood is not all bad. There are lots of laughter in-between the stress. There are moments when I am in tears because I am laughing so much. We have lots of cuddles. And even at the highest stress points of the day, the moment my little girl comes up to me and says "You're the best. I love you my mummy" my whole world melts, and I realise why I get up every single day. Despite if I'm ill or depressed. I will wake up, look after, and love my babies until my last breath, and even then I'll carry on loving them from the other side.

I want to break the generational curse. I want to break the cycle. I don't want to be shouting or screaming at my kids. Swearing and losing my shit. I DON'T WANT TO BECOME MY PARENTS. I want soooo much more for my children. I want them to grow up and not know the feeling of depression. The feeling of loneliness. Of not belonging. I want my children to be happy and by god I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure they're happy, and that means fixing myself up. Getting my mental health stable

Hopefully this blog will do just that, and become a platform not just for me, but for others everywhere, to let off steam, realise that shouting doesn't make us bad parents or evil. It's never as bad as we portray it in our minds. A platform for me and other mums to speak our truths, the negatives and the positives. 

Children are little shits - can we normalise this saying because it's true. They push all your buttons and boundaries. They do not listen. They can be so rude and naughty. Some days they really grate on me and I just need a few minutes of peace!

There is a lot of pressure to be the best mum in the world, to be the 'perfect' mum (which does not exist). All our children really need is a HAPPY mum, a PRESENT mum, and a LOVING mum. You don't need to add all these extra adjectives to your plate, when you're carrying soo much already.